Albert was sure about one thing andone thing only: PEZ dispensers. Flicking Santa’s smiling, bulbous faces as itrhythmically responded with that satisfying “click” noise, Albert couldpositively trust this work of plastic and springs. A PEZ dispenser, he knew,would never deceive you. If it has candy in it, it’ll be sure to give you thatcandy when you pull Santa’s head back. If you happen to pull Santa’s head back,and, to your dismay, he cannot provide any sweets from his throat, just insertthe contents of a neatly wrapped packet of candy. Plain. Simple. Logic. He likedunderstanding PEZ dispensers.
Girls, Albert noted, were entirely differentfrom PEZ dispensers.
Albert had bought flowers for theoccasion. Today was Claire’s birthday, and it was his responsibility that shebe as happy as possible for this one night.
The light of the open doorwaystunned Albert’s eyes as he stood in the darkness of the street. In it wasClaire, her soft lips smiling, her back arching like a model’s, with her skirtsitting just above her knees in a tempting fashion. Her hair flowed and dancedover her shoulder like a weightless fluid, and Albert noticed eyeliner aroundher eyes.
“Come on, what took you so long?”she demanded.
“I got you these flowers,” Albertexplained, “since it’s your birthday and all.”
Claire’s eyes shone with joy, butthen with a spark of worry.
Albert became aware that he hadn’tcomplimented her looks.
“God, you’re the sweetest! Followme; the party’s downstairs.” She took the bouquet in one hand and Albert’s palmin the other as they proceeded downwards into the basement.
And it was a party. Forty people,Albert estimated, filled the open room, with a portable speaker system boominga song he didn’t recognize. A throng of bodies danced in the middle while a fewpeople grouped at the humid sidelines shouted sentences to each other. Unsurewhat to do next, Albert followed Claire’s glow.
After dropping the roses in aconcealed jar, she turned, beaming coolly, and put her arms around Albert.“Dance with me,” she whispered as she eased her lips toward his.
Blushing, Albert knew he couldn’t denythis one desire. They danced until Albert wanted to collapse ― and so that’swhat he did ― onto a convenient couch. Claire went to get drinks while hewatched the party develop in front of him. No matter how much he tried to decipherthe bulk of teenagers before him, Albert couldn’t come to any conclusions, onlyobservations.
A good example was CatherineMichaels feigning intoxication. After putting down a half-empty glass shegiggled and snorted, then put her hand on Sammy Stevens’s chest.
Claire stumbled back with two cups.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I do feel kindatipsy though.”
“You were gone for two minutes.”
“Long enough to miss you.”
Albert felt her lips make theirsecond approach. Her breath was clean. “You’re not drunk,” he said.
She dropped her glass. It shattered,but she didn’t seem to notice. A shadow crossed her face. “Here is where youare absolutely incorrect. You know, you’re amazing. Yes, I find you to be incrediblyattractive.”
“Right. I find this to be incrediblyrepulsive.” He pushed himself up from the couch.
“What?” She looked at him like apuppy that had been struck. Her green eyes began to turn red, and she turnedthem away from Albert’s. Her lips swelled and curled into a puffy ball. “Why?What did I do wrong?”
Albert decided not to hear therest, and so he stormed out of the house. He didn’t care that it was her birthday.He didn’t care that the party was ruined or that the birthday girl was upset.He hated parties anyway.
“Dude, wait up a sec!” SammyStevens was jogging after him. “I think Claire’s crying in there or something.She’s like your girlfriend, right?”
Albert nodded.
“Okay, well she’s sitting on theground and all these girls are around her trying to comfort her, but it’s notworking…” His voice trailed off when he realized Albert wasn’t reacting. “Ijust, I dunno, I thought you could run back in there and rescue her and savethe party.” He smiled. “I mean, she’s probably just tearing up because herlover isn’t in her arms, am I right?” He nudged Albert with his elbow andlaughed.
“No, she’s probably mad because Itold her that I found her repulsive and then I left the party.”
Sammy recoiled, his expression suddenlysomber. “Yeah, I guess that’s probably it.” They continued in silence for aminute. The chilling December wind whipped Albert’s cheeks, but right now itfelt good after the heat of Claire’s basement.
“Hey, Albert?”
“Yeah, Sammy?”
“Do you wanna come over to my houseand kill zombies?”
Albert paused. “You know what? I’dlove to.”
Hours later, Albert thought himselfready to pass out, but continued firing virtual bullets into the incessantzombies. He was low on health.
“Kill that bastard,” Sammy howled,bucking like a crazed horse. “Kill him! Kill him now!”
He couldn’t. The zombie mercilesslyslaughtered him with one slash. Heaving a sigh of visible disappointment andsilent relief, Albert checked his watch. Five o’clock.
“Before I go to sleep for the nexttwelve hours on your couch, I need to ask you a question that’s been nagging meall night, Sammy.”
“Sure, go for it, man. I’m as openas the sea.” Sammy smirked when he said this, pleased with his clevercomparison.
“Why did you abandon CatherineMichaels to spend a lonely night with me?”
“Did you see that girl? She was drunkout her mind! I felt I was taking advantage of her every moment I spent in herpresence. Frankly, Claire’s little scene provided a good diversion for me toslip out of there. I never really intended on returning, even if you did.”
“You know she was faking it,right?”
“She was what?”
“Faking it. She wasn’t really drunk.If you paid close attention you could see that she would always put down aglass after only taking one sip out of it, and then she’d go get another untilit seemed that she’d had a whole bottle.”
Sammy sat still in contemplation.
“Weird.”
“Yeah. I think she really likes youthough. She was probably just nervous and wanted to make herself seem moreattractive or something.”
“Well that obviously backfired, didn’tit? If she had just acted normal, then maybe my mind wouldn’t have been playedlike that. I don’t think I’ll ever understand her, or any girls, really.”
Albert nodded in agreement.
Sammy’s head suddenly perked up ininstant revelation. “What about you, huh? Why’d you just leave Claire crying onher birthday?”
“Well, she was doing what Catherinewas doing: faking drunkenness. And it’s one thing to act that way with someonewho may or may not like you, but I am ― or maybe was ― Claire’s boyfriend.”
“True,” Sammy matter-of-factly added.
“I danced with her all night. Andshe looked so amazing! Why would I not like a girl who looked like that? Yousaw her, right?”
“I most certainly did.”
“And yet here she comes, playing anold trick that can’t fool me because she thinks that acting unlike herselfmight get me to like her.”
“So you ruined your girlfriend’sbirthday because she wanted you to like her more?”
“It’s not about that.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! It’s not. I don’t reallyknow what it’s about.” Albert paused for a moment. “I guess neither of us willever understand a girl’s mind.”
Sammy nodded. Both completelyexhausted, Sammy and Albert didn’t mind sleeping on the same couch; the bedwas, after all, up some stairs and down an entire hallway. Before fallingasleep, Sammy handed Albert a PEZ toy in the image of Santa Claus.
Humbled by this offer of friendship,Albert flicked and played with the toy. If he were to take it completely apart,bit by bit, he could probably put it all back together. He knew the shape,material, and function of every single piece of the device inside and out,something he couldn’t say for Claire. He wished he could understand.
Girls, Albert noted, were entirely differentfrom PEZ dispensers.
Albert had bought flowers for theoccasion. Today was Claire’s birthday, and it was his responsibility that shebe as happy as possible for this one night.
The light of the open doorwaystunned Albert’s eyes as he stood in the darkness of the street. In it wasClaire, her soft lips smiling, her back arching like a model’s, with her skirtsitting just above her knees in a tempting fashion. Her hair flowed and dancedover her shoulder like a weightless fluid, and Albert noticed eyeliner aroundher eyes.
“Come on, what took you so long?”she demanded.
“I got you these flowers,” Albertexplained, “since it’s your birthday and all.”
Claire’s eyes shone with joy, butthen with a spark of worry.
Albert became aware that he hadn’tcomplimented her looks.
“God, you’re the sweetest! Followme; the party’s downstairs.” She took the bouquet in one hand and Albert’s palmin the other as they proceeded downwards into the basement.
And it was a party. Forty people,Albert estimated, filled the open room, with a portable speaker system boominga song he didn’t recognize. A throng of bodies danced in the middle while a fewpeople grouped at the humid sidelines shouted sentences to each other. Unsurewhat to do next, Albert followed Claire’s glow.
After dropping the roses in aconcealed jar, she turned, beaming coolly, and put her arms around Albert.“Dance with me,” she whispered as she eased her lips toward his.
Blushing, Albert knew he couldn’t denythis one desire. They danced until Albert wanted to collapse ― and so that’swhat he did ― onto a convenient couch. Claire went to get drinks while hewatched the party develop in front of him. No matter how much he tried to decipherthe bulk of teenagers before him, Albert couldn’t come to any conclusions, onlyobservations.
A good example was CatherineMichaels feigning intoxication. After putting down a half-empty glass shegiggled and snorted, then put her hand on Sammy Stevens’s chest.
Claire stumbled back with two cups.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I do feel kindatipsy though.”
“You were gone for two minutes.”
“Long enough to miss you.”
Albert felt her lips make theirsecond approach. Her breath was clean. “You’re not drunk,” he said.
She dropped her glass. It shattered,but she didn’t seem to notice. A shadow crossed her face. “Here is where youare absolutely incorrect. You know, you’re amazing. Yes, I find you to be incrediblyattractive.”
“Right. I find this to be incrediblyrepulsive.” He pushed himself up from the couch.
“What?” She looked at him like apuppy that had been struck. Her green eyes began to turn red, and she turnedthem away from Albert’s. Her lips swelled and curled into a puffy ball. “Why?What did I do wrong?”
Albert decided not to hear therest, and so he stormed out of the house. He didn’t care that it was her birthday.He didn’t care that the party was ruined or that the birthday girl was upset.He hated parties anyway.
“Dude, wait up a sec!” SammyStevens was jogging after him. “I think Claire’s crying in there or something.She’s like your girlfriend, right?”
Albert nodded.
“Okay, well she’s sitting on theground and all these girls are around her trying to comfort her, but it’s notworking…” His voice trailed off when he realized Albert wasn’t reacting. “Ijust, I dunno, I thought you could run back in there and rescue her and savethe party.” He smiled. “I mean, she’s probably just tearing up because herlover isn’t in her arms, am I right?” He nudged Albert with his elbow andlaughed.
“No, she’s probably mad because Itold her that I found her repulsive and then I left the party.”
Sammy recoiled, his expression suddenlysomber. “Yeah, I guess that’s probably it.” They continued in silence for aminute. The chilling December wind whipped Albert’s cheeks, but right now itfelt good after the heat of Claire’s basement.
“Hey, Albert?”
“Yeah, Sammy?”
“Do you wanna come over to my houseand kill zombies?”
Albert paused. “You know what? I’dlove to.”
Hours later, Albert thought himselfready to pass out, but continued firing virtual bullets into the incessantzombies. He was low on health.
“Kill that bastard,” Sammy howled,bucking like a crazed horse. “Kill him! Kill him now!”
He couldn’t. The zombie mercilesslyslaughtered him with one slash. Heaving a sigh of visible disappointment andsilent relief, Albert checked his watch. Five o’clock.
“Before I go to sleep for the nexttwelve hours on your couch, I need to ask you a question that’s been nagging meall night, Sammy.”
“Sure, go for it, man. I’m as openas the sea.” Sammy smirked when he said this, pleased with his clevercomparison.
“Why did you abandon CatherineMichaels to spend a lonely night with me?”
“Did you see that girl? She was drunkout her mind! I felt I was taking advantage of her every moment I spent in herpresence. Frankly, Claire’s little scene provided a good diversion for me toslip out of there. I never really intended on returning, even if you did.”
“You know she was faking it,right?”
“She was what?”
“Faking it. She wasn’t really drunk.If you paid close attention you could see that she would always put down aglass after only taking one sip out of it, and then she’d go get another untilit seemed that she’d had a whole bottle.”
Sammy sat still in contemplation.
“Weird.”
“Yeah. I think she really likes youthough. She was probably just nervous and wanted to make herself seem moreattractive or something.”
“Well that obviously backfired, didn’tit? If she had just acted normal, then maybe my mind wouldn’t have been playedlike that. I don’t think I’ll ever understand her, or any girls, really.”
Albert nodded in agreement.
Sammy’s head suddenly perked up ininstant revelation. “What about you, huh? Why’d you just leave Claire crying onher birthday?”
“Well, she was doing what Catherinewas doing: faking drunkenness. And it’s one thing to act that way with someonewho may or may not like you, but I am ― or maybe was ― Claire’s boyfriend.”
“True,” Sammy matter-of-factly added.
“I danced with her all night. Andshe looked so amazing! Why would I not like a girl who looked like that? Yousaw her, right?”
“I most certainly did.”
“And yet here she comes, playing anold trick that can’t fool me because she thinks that acting unlike herselfmight get me to like her.”
“So you ruined your girlfriend’sbirthday because she wanted you to like her more?”
“It’s not about that.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! It’s not. I don’t reallyknow what it’s about.” Albert paused for a moment. “I guess neither of us willever understand a girl’s mind.”
Sammy nodded. Both completelyexhausted, Sammy and Albert didn’t mind sleeping on the same couch; the bedwas, after all, up some stairs and down an entire hallway. Before fallingasleep, Sammy handed Albert a PEZ toy in the image of Santa Claus.
Humbled by this offer of friendship,Albert flicked and played with the toy. If he were to take it completely apart,bit by bit, he could probably put it all back together. He knew the shape,material, and function of every single piece of the device inside and out,something he couldn’t say for Claire. He wished he could understand.
