Okay, so I laid down to go to sleep, and I realized, that for the first time in a long time, how excited I felt to get a new game after I thought about New Vegas. I haven't even felt excited about anything for a long time; I've been kinda mopey and pissed-off feeling for the past couple weeks, but I couldn't pin point why. I thought of my sleep habits, my diets, my social interactions, my 360 breaking, trying to play MP, what I was angry at; was I addicted to caffiene, losing weight, losing sleep? I get 12 hours of sleep sometimes, on average 8, so that was fine, my weight has finally stablized at 150 lbs (going from 160, to 130, to 120, then finally got more food, so back up 150, all, of course, over a series of months). Nothing could answer it, until I sat, in complete silence, and thought about the conversation I had had with my best friend today.
I had simply called to ask if he wanted his 360 back, and I, like always, kinda dodged the question, and just told him, " I didn't realize I never really play the 360", and he had told me that was bullshit, because I was on the night before, and all today, talking to everybody, so he basically threw it in my face, that I was probably not playing MP again. So, of course, I told the truth, that I didn't really want it, because I was just going to be angry at it, and he finally, in a calm sort of way (but you could tell he was kinda angry, told me how it is).
He told me how, if this had been 3 years ago, that he never could've imagined me this way. He told me how I used to laugh my ass off, whether I died 0 or 100 times, if I pissed somebody off by killing them in the most retarded way I could think of. C4, running them over, teabagging when I was losing just to irritate people, etc. He said that I was fine, until I hung out with another group of people, who raged constantly, along with the same time I was on message boards a lot (GameFAQs, CoD4 mainly), when I started to dislike games more and more, because of the attitudes other people had. He said it was disappointing to picture his best friend, sitting around, not even wanting to play, compared to thinking about how pissed off I must have the entire enemy team while sniping the shit out of them, or killing them with explosives, just to anger them. He told me one last thing too, before I changed the subject, and that was, "You have to let go of things that happened. If you dwell on the past, I don't think that you'll ever be happy again, really. So...just stop thinking about it."
That's what I thought of, and I realized that, that's what I tell everybody who's really depressed, or thinking about ending their own life: Forget about what happened, and start new. There's always a new day, the sun will always rise and end the darkness, making it nothing more than a distant memory. No matter how dark it was before, there will always be light again. Much as there will be light, there will be dark, however, but that is what makes us stronger; that is how we develop, and learn how to cope with loss of loved ones, and failure to accomplish something, so we may prevent it the next time. So, why have I not done this to myself? Why can I not forgive myself? And I realized, that it was one key factor, that I need to forget, and that's heartbreak. Though I have lost everything, no matter how hard it is to forget, I still have to forget it, or I will never move on. I will never feel joy/entertainment. I will continue to make my friends feel miserable, and drag them down by not being for there for them, when I should be, if I continue to think this way. I realized the irony that by not having me around for MP games, that I'm stabbing my friends in the back, by trying to do what I think is right, but it really isn't? Isn't it?
I would like to apologize to everybody for my mood and my attitude lately. I've had a lot on my mind lately; all that's happened over the last few years of my life, and the degrading health of my family, both physically and emotionally, and the relationships between all of us. However, that's still no excuse to treat my friends the way I have been, regardless. I'm going to start playing games online again, because that's something I want to do. I'm going to start watching what I say, no matter how much a comment irritates me. I'm going to enjoy games for what they are; entertainment...something to enjoy by having fun with your friends, or by yourself. Thank you, and I'm sorry.
I had simply called to ask if he wanted his 360 back, and I, like always, kinda dodged the question, and just told him, " I didn't realize I never really play the 360", and he had told me that was bullshit, because I was on the night before, and all today, talking to everybody, so he basically threw it in my face, that I was probably not playing MP again. So, of course, I told the truth, that I didn't really want it, because I was just going to be angry at it, and he finally, in a calm sort of way (but you could tell he was kinda angry, told me how it is).
He told me how, if this had been 3 years ago, that he never could've imagined me this way. He told me how I used to laugh my ass off, whether I died 0 or 100 times, if I pissed somebody off by killing them in the most retarded way I could think of. C4, running them over, teabagging when I was losing just to irritate people, etc. He said that I was fine, until I hung out with another group of people, who raged constantly, along with the same time I was on message boards a lot (GameFAQs, CoD4 mainly), when I started to dislike games more and more, because of the attitudes other people had. He said it was disappointing to picture his best friend, sitting around, not even wanting to play, compared to thinking about how pissed off I must have the entire enemy team while sniping the shit out of them, or killing them with explosives, just to anger them. He told me one last thing too, before I changed the subject, and that was, "You have to let go of things that happened. If you dwell on the past, I don't think that you'll ever be happy again, really. So...just stop thinking about it."
That's what I thought of, and I realized that, that's what I tell everybody who's really depressed, or thinking about ending their own life: Forget about what happened, and start new. There's always a new day, the sun will always rise and end the darkness, making it nothing more than a distant memory. No matter how dark it was before, there will always be light again. Much as there will be light, there will be dark, however, but that is what makes us stronger; that is how we develop, and learn how to cope with loss of loved ones, and failure to accomplish something, so we may prevent it the next time. So, why have I not done this to myself? Why can I not forgive myself? And I realized, that it was one key factor, that I need to forget, and that's heartbreak. Though I have lost everything, no matter how hard it is to forget, I still have to forget it, or I will never move on. I will never feel joy/entertainment. I will continue to make my friends feel miserable, and drag them down by not being for there for them, when I should be, if I continue to think this way. I realized the irony that by not having me around for MP games, that I'm stabbing my friends in the back, by trying to do what I think is right, but it really isn't? Isn't it?
I would like to apologize to everybody for my mood and my attitude lately. I've had a lot on my mind lately; all that's happened over the last few years of my life, and the degrading health of my family, both physically and emotionally, and the relationships between all of us. However, that's still no excuse to treat my friends the way I have been, regardless. I'm going to start playing games online again, because that's something I want to do. I'm going to start watching what I say, no matter how much a comment irritates me. I'm going to enjoy games for what they are; entertainment...something to enjoy by having fun with your friends, or by yourself. Thank you, and I'm sorry.
