It all started when our over-heralded star, Stoner Dude, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling very exasperated, Stoner Dude backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved The Great Blunt was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Munchies Boy. Stoner Dude had known Munchies Boy for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Munchies Boy was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... abrasive. Stoner Dude called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Munchies Boy picked up to a very happy Stoner Dude. Munchies Boy calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies sigh before mating, yet albino cats usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Stoner Dude. Why was Munchies Boy trying to distract Stoner Dude? Because he had snuck out from Stoner Dude's with the The Great Blunt only nine days prior. It was a electric little The Great Blunt... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Stoner Dude got back to the subject at hand: his The Great Blunt. Munchies Boy turned red. Relunctantly, Munchies Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the The Great Blunt. Stoner Dude grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Munchies Boy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the The Great Blunt and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Stoner Dude took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least six minutes before Stoner Dude would get there. But if he took the Baked Buggy? Then Munchies Boy would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Munchies Boy was interrupted by five dimwitted Multicolour Unicorns that were lured by his The Great Blunt. Munchies Boy grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he carefully reached for his banana and recklessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Baked Buggy rolling up. It was Stoner Dude.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Stoner Dude was out of the Baked Buggy and went explosively jaunting toward Munchies Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Munchies Boy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the The Great Blunt into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Munchies Boy was concerned but at least the The Great Blunt was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Munchies Boy scandalously purred. With a careful push, Stoner Dude opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive zealous...zealot in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Munchies Boy assured him. Stoner Dude took a seat ridiculously far from where Munchies Boy had hidden the The Great Blunt. Munchies Boy yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Stoner Dude was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Munchies Boy noticed a pestering look on Stoner Dude's face. Stoner Dude slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Munchies Boy felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Stoner Dude asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the The Great Blunt right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Stoner Dude's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Stoner Dude nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Munchies Boy could react, Stoner Dude aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The The Great Blunt was plainly in view.
Stoner Dude stared at Munchies Boy for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Munchies Boy groped sassily in Stoner Dude's direction, clearly desperate. Stoner Dude grabbed the The Great Blunt and bolted for the door. It was locked. Munchies Boy let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Stoner Dude,' he rebuked. Munchies Boy always had been a little stupid, so Stoner Dude knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Munchies Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his The Great Blunt tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Munchies Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Stoner Dude. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Stoner Dude. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Munchies Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Stoner Dude was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Stoner Dude was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Munchies Boy's place. Stoner Dude had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Multicolour Unicorns suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the The Great Blunt. One by one they latched on to Stoner Dude. Already weakened from his injury, Stoner Dude yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Multicolour Unicorns running off with his The Great Blunt.
About nine hours later, Stoner Dude awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Stoner Dude did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely imaginery desert, Stoner Dude was alarmingly lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his The Great Blunt was taken by the Multicolour Unicorns. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little Multicolour Unicorn emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha Multicolour Unicorn. Stoner Dude opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Multicolour Unicorn sunk its teeth into Stoner Dude's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Stoner Dude's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, Munchies Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the The Great Blunt. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Stoner Dude... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the The Great Blunt that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Multicolour Unicorns, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
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